Let’s be real: figuring out who we can trust is hard. People don’t come with warning labels or reviews. Some start out sweet and supportive, only to slowly drain your energy. Some people step into your life like sunshine. Others? Like a vacuum cleaner that slowly sucks the life, time, and energy out of you… and then asks for a ride to the airport.
Sometimes you wonder:
Am I being used?
Am I being manipulated?
Or am I just overthinking it?
If you’ve ever had those thoughts, first of all, you’re not alone. And second, trust your gut. Because learning to spot the signs early can save you time, energy, and a lot of heartbreak.
Trust Isn’t About Words - It’s About Patterns
Anyone can say, “You can trust me.” That’s easy. But trust is built on what someone consistently does, especially when it’s not convenient for them.
Ask yourself:
Do they follow through on their promises?
Are they the same person towards you in public and in private?
Do they respect your boundaries, even when you say “no”?
Do you feel safe being vulnerable around them, or do you feel like you’re always on edge?
If someone only shows up when they need something, gives you guilt trips when you have your own needs, or keeps shifting the goalposts in your relationship... it’s a red flag.
Trust isn’t built on grand gestures. It’s built on repeated, small moments where someone chooses to show up with kindness and respect, not for what they can get from you.
Signs You’re Being Used or Manipulated
Let’s call it out: being used or manipulated doesn’t always look dramatic. Sometimes it’s subtle, like someone always “needing you” but very rarely giving back. Or always steering the conversation toward their problems, while yours get brushed off.
Here are some warning signs:
Guilt-tripping: They make you feel bad for setting boundaries or saying no.
Gaslighting: They twist facts, deny what they said, or make you question your reality.
One-way energy: You’re always giving, compromising, listening... and getting little in return.
Love-bombing and devaluing: One minute they’re praising you, the next they're making you question yourself.
Control disguised as care: They tell you what to do “because they care,” but you feel smaller than you did.
You feel responsible for their emotions 100% of the time.
They love your attention, not your well-being.
They use your presence to feel more important, confident, validated or in control.
Over-dependence: You're their unpaid therapist, personal cheerleader, and emergency contact, but they rarely ever return the emotional favour.
If someone constantly needs you to feel better about themselves without contributing to you, you’re being emotionally mined, not loved.
If you’re constantly doubting yourself around them, ask yourself: Is this person building me up or breaking me down whilst pretending it’s love or friendship?
Trust Yourself First
This part is hard, especially if you’ve been manipulated before: your instincts are valid.
We’re taught to be nice, forgiving, and “see the good in people.” And while those traits are beautiful, they should never override your inner voice that says, “Something’s off.”
If you feel drained after having conversations with someone, that’s your body telling you something. If you feel anxious before seeing them, that’s not a sign to “try harder”, it’s a sign to pause.
Audit Your Circle
Grab a piece of paper (or your Notes app) and write down the people you spend the most time with, digitally and in real life.
Next to each name, ask:
Do I feel safe and supported by this person?
If I am in need, are they there for me, or does there always seem to be an excuse for their absence?
Do I feel like I can be my whole self with them?
Do I like who I become when I’m with them?
Are they happy for me when I succeed?
Do I trust them with my feelings and my silence?
If the answer is “no” more than once… flag it.
Letting Go Isn’t Cruel, It’s Necessary
Here’s the truth: not everyone deserves access to you. You are not cold for walking away. You are not heartless for choosing peace. Sometimes, loving yourself means closing the door even when you wish things could’ve been different.
Letting go is an act of love, for yourself.
You don’t owe people endless chances to prove they won’t hurt you again. You don’t need to explain your decision to people who’ve shown you, repeatedly, that they only value you when you’re useful to them.
Walk away quietly. Heal loudly. Let them wonder how someone so kind also learned how to protect their peace.
What Comes Next: Rebuilding Trust (With Yourself)
After you let go, it’s normal to feel grief, but give it time.
Use the space to reconnect with your own needs, voice, and truth. The more you trust yourself, the easier it becomes to recognize who truly belongs in your life.
Surround yourself with people who:
Have your back.
Remember your big days and the small ones.
Celebrate you, not compete with you.
Speak about you with respect, even when you are not around
Don't judge.
Apologize when they’re wrong.
Support your growth, even if it changes the relationship.
Make you feel safe, not small.
Supports your boundaries without taking it personally.
Are consistent in how they treat you, not hot-and-cold.
You Are Not Hard to Love. You Just Need the Right People.
Learning who to trust is painful sometimes. But it’s also powerful. Every time you let go of someone who was using or manipulating you, you make space for healthier, more authentic relationships. Limit your emotional labour for those who don’t reciprocate it.
You’re allowed to protect your energy without apology.
You don’t need to tolerate confusion, guilt, or constant self-doubt.
Real connection is soft, safe, and reciprocal. You deserve nothing less.
Curate Your Life Like It’s Art
Think of your inner circle like your favourite playlist. You don’t add songs that make you feel bad or drain your vibe. You add the ones that lift you, inspire you and ground you.
Do the same with people. You don’t owe everyone a speech. Some friendships fade naturally when you stop over giving.
You are not “too much” for asking to be respected. You are not “selfish” for needing reciprocity.
Your circle doesn’t need to be big.
It just needs to be solid.
You’re just finally choosing yourself - and it’s about time.